....Episod 144.... - Enlightened -

Bismillahil waduudur rahiim

Chat bersama seorg ust semalam malam membuat aku tak senang duduk sampailah hari ni . Sedikit sebanyak ia menganggu konsentrasi aku yg tgh notes marathon ni . Entah macamana topik yang aku tak berapa favourite tu boleh terkeluar . Pada mulanya aku rasa ' alah , i have my own views and so does he , anyone of us can be the right one kan ' . Tapi makin lama chat , dan makin bersungguh2 aku cuba nak put sense into my ideas and my own views , makin aku rasa mcm it makes no sense . The more aku rasa ust is just giving out the traditional view of the topic, the more aku nampak betulnya apa yang ust cakap . Im thinking ... am i trying to be a realist ? or am i trying to cover the insecurity that i felt by making my points look more relevant than his or .... aku tak dapat nak terima kenyataan apa yg ust cakap tu penting dan aku perlukan . hmm ....

The conversation did not end properly . Aku terdiam . I continued the discussion with a senior . and she pointed to me how immature are my views . hmm... dan sampai sekarang... aku tak boleh nak berhenti berfikir tentang benda ni . I was watching a drama : Rindu bertasbih , and all along i realised that i was trying to find an answer while watching the drama . Semua benda yang aku tengok seemed to tell me that im wrong and i should keep my views in a treasure box , locked it up and throw it away into the seas of thoughts and let it reach me no more .

Thx ust ...