Tuesday, January 15, 2013

....Episod 258.... - Rabbuna Ma'aki -

Bismillahil waduudul ghafuur


Selama aku berada di mesir ni , aku tau kalau orang2 mesir sangat murah doa . kemana pun mereka pergi , dengan siapa pun , mereka akan sentiasa mendoakan . Tapi kali ini , setelah aku rasa kata2 itu hanya satu kebiasaan dan tidak lebih dari itu , aku rasa bersyukur bila invigilator exam naqd kemaren , with a smile , she told me straight right into my eyes , " rabbuna ma'aki " . Suddenly i thought , " ouhh ... when was e last time i had this feeling " . I felt so thankful , for that dua . I had trouble answering the paper , i was so cold and it was so obvious that she went to me and asked me if i need anything , a hot tea or anything . I told her im fine . and then she told me rabbuna maaki . And then it strucked me that all these while ive been forgetting HIM . and when i really feel helpless , He sent someone to remind me that He is with me . All along , he's with me . and because of that i need no reason to feel so down over a paper . Eventhough , i admit , it was not easy , neither the paper , nor the thought i was trying to fight . The thought that tells me , its not easy to survive .

I was so disappointed with myself , and so i get out of e examination hall with a big sigh . I have no idea what was i sighing for . Theres only one thing on my mind and that is to get rid of my thoughts  whatever they are . i told myself clearly that i cant afford to have a free time today , i need to get myself busy so that ill forget whatever the feeling is today . And so , back from exams , i went to ust iffat , qiraats class , then straight to my khats class , and then rush to meet my magical syeikh . My dearest cousin asked me if i need anything . she'll get it for me . I told her i need nothing . I just wanted to meet my magical syeikh . i felt so torn apart . i need to get some healing words from him . and then i thought , this is more than a coincidence . He is always there whenever i felt this way . Alhamdulillah . The Real Planner is planning for me . so what more can i ask for ? when im sure he is giving me the best plan .

Jewels of my heart 

I rested for an hour before i went to my qiraats class with ust iffat . I was supposed to do some tasmi' but i didnt because i was soo busy with exams that i find no time to memorise kalamullah . its ridiculous i know . Any regrets ? yes , of course i do . Not able to memorise the quran for the sake of a paper tells me that im bad at managing my time . im well aware of that now . Ust iffat never fails to motivate me to keep memorising whatever my condition is , and everytime she did that , i tried so hard to stop the tears from falling down . ego ? no , i just dont want to spoil e mood . im a crybaby so if i started to cry , i have no idea when it will stop . So , we read a few bait from matan syatibiyyah , The first few baits tells you the benefits and the " ajr " waiting for the people close to quran . She said , it wasnt easy memorising the quran and to be close with it . U need e mujahadah . a alot of it . it reminds me of this path i choosed . The word mujahadah always brings me to tears . it somehow makes me feel that ive not given enough but im already very tired and i really need the strength to continue to do the mujahadah . i just do not know where can i get the amount of strength i needed for this journey . 

Bait 15,16 and 17 somehow answered my doubts and thoughts . It said , for those who are close to the quran , they will adorn and crown their parents with jewels . What makes u more happy than that ? The best gift they wouldnt even have imagine it . All the money spent on me, on all the classes ive attended , their hard earned money , i really really hope , i could pay them back even more . I suddenly remembered what mom told me when she let me continue to be here in egypt for another 2 years .. " mak tak kesah , kalau untuk quran mak tak kesah . bilang mak berapa , mak bayar . mak dah tanya abah , abah kata bolehk, duduk sana sampai habis hafal ,kene habiskan , mak taknak separuh jalan  . " It wasnt just me , all the strength i needed was there all along . Its them . i need to keep going for them . coz they never rested so that i can keep studying , so there isnt any reason for me to stop . I need to keep going for them , and for the almighty creator . Allahummarham dha'fana .

SY. Muhammad Hassan Uthman

I was so fragile the whole day that even waiting for a cab could make me cry . Every "no" word from a taxi driver is a tear drop for me .then i said to myself , this is enough , im going to cry here in public . and then i saw 3 Men walking towards me only to realise that the one in e middle is sy.muhammad hassan usman , Allah knows how much i missed him , his lessons , his charm . I was smiling so widely behind the niqab , and waiting for a chance to give salam . I did and he was so close to me . to be that close with syeikh hassan even if its for a few secs when he is always surrounded with his students is unbelievable . guess what ? that made my day . i get into the taxi with a smile , i thought ,  to get to meet him today is a gift from HIM .

The Magical Syeikh  : sy. Abul huda

A lot happened that day  before we get to meet him . At first it was supposed to be held in imam atoillahs mosque . Then it was changed to sadad wafaiyyah . i was thinking of sitting at far right , so i can have a good look at syeikh , but it happened that i get to sit at far left . Wallahi i didnt expect him to come from left . So when he came in , i saw some of the rijal already set their eyes on the area i was sitting so i turned to look and quickly stood up and he walked right besides me . Another gift from Him i would say . It was one of the coldest night , 10 january . Everyone knows how i am not able to stand the weather . But i survived that night . I was soo tired , i was soo emotional , i was sooo cold , i remember how i had no energy left due to the excessive weeping n crying but nevertheless , i was soo thankful for that day . Soo thankful that i sleep with a voice soo soft , telling me to close my eyes and put my trust in HIM . He's watching me ... all the time . 

" If u dont believe inyour own ability to achieve your goals , believe in Allah's ability to help you " ... Rabbuna ma'aki  :)