....Episod 203.... - indifferent -

It has been 3 years ... and i still and will always feel so blessed to be one of the chosen ones to find myself in ahadi buq'atil mubarakah fil'alam . The path has not been a straight one . All along , it was never a straight one. I should have known it from the beginning of the journey . unfortunately , i dont . and so 3 years... i spent my whole 3 years ... trying to find the best reason why things happened this way . No matter how much i try to straighten this journey of mine ... it will never be one . The more i try to make it straight the more it gets crooked ....

I should consider myself lucky for what im given i guess... i have everything i need ... and i even get the things i want .... so what more do i ask for ? what more is lacking in this full furnished life of mine.. hmm ...

People keep asking this : hey , what do u wanna be when u have graduated ? where do u wanna work at ..and my answer will be .. well , serve the community of course and where else do u expect im gonna be ? huh .. funny kan .. I am not trying to belittle the 'expected' job that middle east grad will be going through .... i am just not that satisfied with the stereotypes and the judgements that people gave towards us .

i called mak and ask her for her opinion . " Mak ... kemaren muis datang , beh muis cakap kena siapkan diri dgn ilmu2 yg sesuai yg masyarakat perlukan , jadi kakak macam terasa jek mak , sebab kan kakak amek khat ... , rasa mcm tak diperlukan jek~" and mak said this " Ilmu apa lagi yang masyarakat perlukan ... Yang penting sekarang ni belajar je... tuntut je ilmu tu ... jangan fikir apa orang lain perlukan dulu , fikir nak isi diri dulu dengan semua ilmu yang ada , balik nanti apply la sendiri . Mak tak kesah kakak nak blaja apa pun , semua benda kan ilmu " .. Mak shared alot more stuff in my 20 mins talk with her... I feel blessed again to have a mother as compassionate as her . Mak always shares her opinion ( that does not mean she supports everything i have in mind ) but when she do support me , she will definitely give a hardcore support .

I dont know why but i feel different from others . and because of that i kept asking myself if this is the right path , or rather if im taking the correct road to the goal that ive been dreaming of . I asked myself again and again but instead of getting a definite answer i end up doing the same thing - again .

well ,seriously , khat makes me cry alot ... it is not easy of course... and i know it will never be easy ... nobody said it was easy at the first place..... from the very first time i met my first classmate in my khat school , the first thing she said was .. " sabar ye ... jangan pernah putus asa ... kena banyak sabar .. " and when i first met my teachers the first thing they said is ... " Lazim al hudhuur ya binti " dan sampai sekarang.... my classmates , my seniors , they still repeat the same line .. " sabar ye dik... sabar " and my teachers... they still repeat that very same line " lazim al hudhuuur~ al hudhuur ijbari~ .. kitabatik gameelah ya binti ... al hudhuuuur ~ " ...

Please dont ask me why on earth i am so into this art of writing... i do not have a satisfying answer for it... i just feel that it is part of me.... and it can never be separated from me .... it is also one of the reason why im here in egypt ... maybe.. mak realise this and because of that she supported my every single steps of becoming a khattat....

dan sampai sekarang i am still finding reasons of my existence in this holy land and whatever i do here . for the time being ... i have only this to ease myself = khidmah lid deen wal quran ... and this quote i guess makes me feel indifferent from others...

Inna hayaati wa nusuki wa mamaaati... lillahi rabbil 'alamin